Some people are born beautiful, and some people buy it. For me, my relationship ‘beauty’ has been long, difficult road. People say that it’s easy to be beautiful when you’re young, but when I was young, it was impossible. Not because of anything but my own self esteem, I couldn’t find comfort in my own skin until I reached my 30’s.
When I first read The Ugly Duckling, I thought it just meant that awkward children would bloom into beautiful adults. As an awkward child myself, I found that very inspiring, but when the other girls started blooming, I stayed awkward. I didn’t have boys following me around, I didn’t get asked to the prom, and I figured that beauty wouldn’t apply to me, so I relied on my personality and quirky taste in clothes.
My first boyfriend out of high school was totally hot, but told me on our second date about a beautiful blonde girl who also liked him, and he could choose between the ‘pretty one’ and the ‘fun one’, and he decided to go with the ‘fun one’. The fun one, was me…which is great, but those words stuck in my mind to this day. When I should have shrugged it off as the words of a world-class douche bag, I took it to heart and spent a majority of my 20’s trying to be the ‘fun one’ to overcompensate for my lack of beauty. Feeling like I had nothing to offer, I didn’t think I was very smart, or very pretty so I had to have something right? What ended up happening, as what happens when everyone tried to be something they’re not, they keep up appearances for a while, only to burn out, and swing the other way. Not to say it wasn’t fun, but I was struggling to be a cartoon version of fun, not accepting that I might be enough, just as I was.
Changing perceptions
What is it about beauty that women hold so important? While men may seem immune, they have their own host of crippling insecurities and issues. The women I know and love want to be beautiful, it may sound superficial and maybe it is, but I have never thought that there was anything wrong with having beauty in life, and in my experience, it’s achievable, but first I had to change my view of what ‘beautiful’ is.
There is the beauty we see in the media, and then there is the beauty we see in real life. On TV people are beautiful and they always have the right thing to say, what we don’t see are the hair and makeup people, the personal trainers, estheticians, stylists, plastic surgeons, not to mention the teams of writers and then the director helping them give that ‘perfect look.’ (which often times isn’t perfect at all). So I stopped looking to them and real life versions of them to define my idea of beauty. When I looked around the people I saw in real life, how beautiful they are… and asked myself what was beautiful about them?
What makes someone beautiful?
Time and time again, the beautiful people in my life did not possess the perfect nose, or pouty lips, or giant eyes and luscious locks. They didn’t always have beautiful skin, and they were of all ages and body shapes. And time and time again, a person’s spirit would trump a person’s physical appearance…ever know a beautiful person with a horrible personality? How much longer did you think they were beautiful?
When they say ‘beauty comes from within.’ for many years I thought that was a euphemism to make us feel better. But it’s the truth….
Personality shines through every time.
Acceptance
Much of my own self-esteem issues, which are directly related to my beauty issues boils down to acceptance. In my mind I thought ‘if only I could be like someone else,’ but in that desire, I failed to see the gifts I had to offer. Sure there are lots of tricks I can use to look ‘beautiful’, like wearing nice clothes, styling my hair, wearing makeup, and exercising, but those are all just extras. I’ve tried them all to feel beautiful, and they help, but it’s a slippery slope, because no matter how many shoes you have, not one of them is going to fix what’s going on in your mind. Believe me, I have tried, and tried. It wasn’t until I started the path of accepting myself that real beauty came into my life.
Does it help to consider yourself beautiful? It’s important to value who you are. In my experience beauty is a wholistic aspiration where it’s important to take care of the mind, body and spirit. Everyone has the potential, their own unique beauty. It’s just a matter of finding and cherishing it.
Sheesh, I wish I had an easy post for that.
Image by illuminated_photography / CC BY 2.0
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Beautiful post – inside and out.
birdie´s last blog ..Outfit – 11/7/09
Great words… it’s a shame that is really is a challenge for many of us to feel beautiful, even though we are. I think one thing that helps is surrounding oneself with other people who do see you as beautiful inside AND out. Those people have no need to compare you to others based on looks.
Ebay Fashion Addict´s last blog ..The Watchlist: Standing Out
What a personal, inspiring post. Thank you so much for sharing your stories and thoughts on beauty.
Jennifer Nicole´s last blog ..Skeletal Fashion
Ditto. Lovely, beautiful post. And you are truly beautiful inside and out. You were sort of pouty when we first met (ha) but once you opened up I always, always noticed and looked forward to your gorgeous lovely big smile and laugh. That’s what I love most about you. You exude warmth and positive energy — a rare, beautiful combo. I find that my self-acceptance regarding beauty grows as I get older. That’s counter to what the mainstream beauty culture tells us, but it’s true for me. xo
This is truly a wonderful and heartfelt post! I know I’ve struggled with my own self-acceptance in the past few years and it’s been difficult. I think with so many sources that dictate to us what is “beautiful”, it can be easy to get caught up trying to chase those images and not recognize your own unique qualities. And like you said, some people who are superficially “beautiful” have the worst personalities and no one wants to be around that.
Sheena´s last blog ..Head Gear
It’s funny. I feel like I can identify and embrace the beauty that exists all around me – in friends, family members, and strangers – and see that it’s different than the glorified, highly processed beauty portrayed in the media. But when it comes to myself? It’s that skewed media standard that gets used for comparison. But like you, Jennine, I feel like I’m on the road to seeing my own genuine beauty. Finally understanding that beauty is diverse and imperfect, and that I have a big chunk of it all to myself.
Sally´s last blog ..Already Prettypoll: Are You Comfy with Self-love?
This is such a beautiful post, Jennine, thank you. You are the person who inspired me to start blogging about personal style in the first place, because I saw that there could be an intelligent, kind and humble person behind the pictures. Blogging has opened my eyes to a lot of different kinds of beauty, and I find it very liberating – before reading blogs, the only images of ‘beauty’, ‘fashion’ and ’style’ I saw were in magazines or movies.
It’s really important to surround yourself with loved ones who truly see your ‘real’ beauty. It also helps to really know yourself. And, in about 40 years, it won’t even matter! That’s when others can really see that everlasting beauty.
Tami´s last blog ..Armani 2009 Holiday Crystal Collection
It’s so easy to see beauty in others, but it’s another thing to see the beauty in your own being- inside and out… I say this because when I see other bloggers such as your lovely self– it’s easy for me to see your beauty. But why is it so hard to say that or feel that about myself? I take a democratic approach to beauty with others and probably am my own worst critic… Thanks for this post. xx
dreamsequins´s last blog ..Designer Profile: Belle Sauvage
Ok, first of all, you are hot by any standards.
Secondly, this is such an ironic post for me b/c I literally just got back from a meeting where the guest speaker was speaking about marketing & how images in the media effect our children (and us). She said that our children are exposed to something like 2000 different ads each day, many of which are designed to tell them how they should look &/or what they should have. I worry so much about the effects that all of this marketing & media will have on my precious little girl.
Have you guys ever heard of Pure Fashion? It’s an organization that offers a “modeling program” for young girls. They teach them to dress stylishly & attractively, but modestly. They teach the girls how to do their hair & make-up, so they don’t look like they’re working on the streets. I believe they also teach the girls things like public speaking & interviewing skills. The program culminates with a fashion show. If you know anyone who might be interested, or if you’d be interested in volunteering, here’s their link: http://www.purefashion.com/ I’m actually considering starting a program here in the Bay Area at some point.
Nickie Frye´s last blog ..Vintage Leather Jacket
Well I’m sure you know I already think you’re absolutely lovely Jennine. It’s funny, I think I was “prettier” when I was younger but I’ve grown to accept my fuller hips and thighs and even my gap getting bigger (yikes) because I feel good on the inside. Feeling beautiful is such a hard thing to do some days but the extras do help but it really is when you’re happy with yourself, in your own skin that you blossom!
dwj´s last blog ..Excuse Me For One More Day
such a great post. You are beautiful …but no matter what anyone says about the way you look, if you don’t feel it, it just doesn’t matter. There are more times than not where I feel like I look absolutely disgusting no matter what anyone else says.
…love Maegan´s last blog ..Completely Gratuitous Outfit Post
❤ birdie, thanks dear!
❤ ebay fashion addict…yeah right? it’s funny how often we look back and think ‘what were we thinking?’
❤ kezia..aaw thanks! it’s funny how that works isn’t it?
❤ sheena… it’s strange because outside ‘beauties’ of the moment are constantly changing, and instead of figuring beauty constantly is abundant, we still chase ideal after ideal.
❤ sally, so true, i don’t know why we look at ourselves with this crazy critical lens, it’s insane! but yes, acceptance is a path, and for me anyway, hasn’t happened over night, and it often comes in ebbs and flows
❤ andrea…thank you, that is so kind, really. but yes, i think blogging really helps get other kinds of beauties out there.
❤ tami… hahah i love it! way to put things in perspective!
❤ dreamsequins, but you always look effortlessly chic! it’s funny how it’s easier to see it in other people.
❤ nickie, thanks for sending that link along, i’m checking it out! there should be more programs like this for young women…
My favourite post so far, had been feeling melancholy regarding my size and how i used to look and had recently decided to follow my own style. This post has inspired me x
❤ dwj… thanks my dear, i think the same about you…and i know what you mean about learning to accept some things as we get older, body shape (i have white dots on my teeth..but wont’ get rid of them no matter how many times the dentists asks) but it’s the happiness that always shows through.
❤ maegan, first of all you are drop dead gorgeous, but you are so right about not feeling beautiful has no correlation to reality, or to what people say. that’s why i think it has to come from within….
❤lea..i’m so glad you’re following your own style! that is inspiring!
That was so well written and made me think a lot about myself. Thanks for sharing!!
Nesli
Hi, me again. I’m still thinking about this. Being beautiful has so much to do with the KIND of person you are. I’ve known lots of pretty ladies who were hideous freaks because of their nasty attitudes. Ick. There’s nothing uglier than a mean, selfish, prideful woman. Likewise, a woman who is kind to others has a light from within that no one can deny.
Nickie Frye´s last blog ..Vintage Grunge All Weather Boots
I’d just gotten to the point where I wanted to slap people for writing posts about acceptance and beauty because COME ON ALREADY I AM BORED WITH THE TRITE OPRAH I’M A GOOD PERSON STUFF and then you had to come along and write a really excellent, personal and interesting one. It couldn’t have been written by anyone else, which is what is great. So much writing on this topic is generic self-help blather but your story is meaningful and moving. Unfortunately, you ruined my slapping plans. In order to get my fix, I will volunteer to track down the guy who said that he “could choose between the ‘pretty one’ and the ‘fun one’” and slap him instead. Deal? (By the way, isn’t his comment kind of the kissing cousin to the infamous, “You look so beautiful IN PERSON”?)
WendyB´s last blog ..Two — TWO! — WendyB Events in the Big Apple
This is a beautiful post and so many people need to hear it. Blogging has actually helped me a lot! When I first started taking outfit photos, I would crop out my head. As my blog has slowly evolved, so have I. I now take full body shots with pride!
hanako66´s last blog ..hey anthro, I’ve got a crush on you
Jennine, this is touching.
Clare´s last blog ..Traveling Caravans Left Me Enchanted
I find it amazing that you don’t view yourself as beautiful, because you ARE—both visually, and as the person you come across as on this blog. However, being a woman who’s had/has her share of feelings similar to the ones you mention above, I can see what you mean.
It’s far too easy to doubt ourselves, and the plastic “perfection” paraded in front of us by the media don’t help. We are consistently told we are not good enough if we are not “perfect.” Yet—as you deftly point out—those presented as “perfect” are sometimes far from it, and must be fabricated for our benefit.
What a perfectly mixed message that is.
enc´s last blog ..Foot Furniture
people who don’t give a hoot and are sort of recklessly confidant are the people i find the most beautiful. but then i also like fragility, vulnerability, unsureness, lack of confidence, hesitation, shyness. there’s no reason to keep worshiping some imperious stronghold of beauty. the other side is a compelling if not more compelling story. but then again… there’s nothing quite like feeling like an untouchable badass bitch (slam that 4″ heel down, or 8″) until your humanity starts showing through the cracks again, and that’s just fine too.
i feel beautiful when i work out and when i’m around people a lot. the less self-reflection the better. though mirrors i really do think are good for you, not bad. just don’t stand there for you know, 4 hours. if i try and duplicate how i looked on some other occasion when i felt i looked good, it doesn’t work. it has to come from the outside in. it has to be alive. the whole “you’ll be happy if you are beautiful” thing is such a contrived piece of hooey. i know i’ve said that here before. i’m more a follower of “let your freak flag fly” or whatever that saying is.
SwanDiamondRose´s last blog ..Outsapop – SWANclothing sock garters
(I should have said ” . . . doesn’t help,” not “don’t help.” I revised the sentence and missed that. Sorry it wasn’t perfect! LOL)
enc´s last blog ..Foot Furniture
Jennine, this might be my favorite post of all time. You are amazing.
hmmm, my turn for a correction… did i write this? “it has to come from the outside in.” i meant this- it has to come from the inside-out!
good grief.
SwanDiamondRose´s last blog ..Outsapop – SWANclothing sock garters [2]
I must say I t-o-t-a-l-l-y understand what you mean.
I must say that the first time I saw a picture of you in this blog I thought: “Wow!! I wish my brother had a girlfriend that beautiful and smart!” 
I’m serious!!
I had a lot of skin and allergic issues in my childhood, some of them were quite severe on my teenage years, making that stage even harder.
When you have troubles with skin – in my case atopic dermatitis- people can be pretty mean. I’ve heard all types of jokes about it. So no matter how creative, how funny or how smart I was, it was complicated being me. Also I would really admire beautiful people, beautiful paintings, music and beautiful clothes. I wanted to be surrounded with that beauty in a clumsy attempt to be beautiful myself. In that process I some how came comfortable with my personality and one day I stop to care about people’s opinion on my looks. It feels so good!!
Jennine this post is awesome! And of course I find you extremely beautiful
xoxoxo
LuceBuona´s last blog ..Un mensaje de Festivita/vita
❤nickie…so true, and that’s the beauty of it, anyone can be a good person. it’s a challenge, but it’s doable, and completely free.
❤wendy…thank you so much… i just emailed you, but yeah, it wasn’t easy to say, but felt i had to say it. maybe not the most helpful way, because i don’t have any real answers… but oh well.
❤hanako… i love seeing full shots! they’re always so much more personal!
❤enc..thank you. that’s really kind of you to say. but yeah,what goes on in people’s minds is always a surprise… mostly because so many of us feel the same way.
❤swan…hahah i love it, i too find both kinds of people amazingly inspiring. there’s no formula! and it’s true, outside beauty doesn’t always coorespond to how someone feels on the inside. there were plenty of times when i was the ‘ideal’ weight and had a good hair day, but felt utterly miserable.
❤keiko…:) thank you, i’m glad you liked it.
❤luce..oh my, i also had bad skin, but my mom said it was ‘normal’ so i never could get treatment for it, so it may not be dermatitis, but it’s hard to overcome something so personal as your skin. but i think the whole acting ‘as if’ really helps, if anything for building an internal dialogue… and obviously it’s worked for you!
Jennine!!! This is such a wonderful post. It truly is so difficult to find the beauty within ourselves and appreciate it.
I swear what has helped me is blogging. Like you, I used to base my beauty expectations on tv and magazines. Now I’m inspired by real women from all over the world who come in all shapes and sizes. They all have that certain something that makes them appealing and beautiful which has opened my eyes to what beauty really is.
jennine – thanks for sharing this – i am sharing this post at UnoCosa’s FB page
http://www.facebook.com/UnoCosa
I think it is one of those posts that will have relationship with each person who read it …
, xx
And congratulation for being the beautiful woman you are now
UnoCosa´s last blog ..VOYAGE OF DISCOVERY
You’re so lovely. I’ve never really get the attention of the boys in high school, I felt so insecure due the fact I had braces and very frizzy hair. Now that I’ve been in college my self-confidence has gone up by accepting whom I am. I love this post and your honesty.
Anna´s last blog ..
Fantastic post, Jennine. *rousing applause*
Alicia´s last blog ..MOV 007: I’se a Model Now!
Thank you for such an amazing post. In high school, guys never looked twice at me. I never had a date, and never went to a single school dance. Homecoming and prom were never meant to be for me. Ironically, after high school, I went on to model professionally for ten years. But, instead of being reassured that I was now “beautiful,” I can only remember a conversation that took place between me, another woman, and a guy who was a rep for a fashion designer. He told the other woman that she was the kind of girl that guys wanted to marry, and then looked at me and said, “And you are the kind that they just want to f***.”
That conversation haunted me for more years than I care to admit. I am now happily married to a man who actually seems to prefer me without all of the artifice that I wore as armor for so many years. But, even with his love and reassurance, that comment sometimes haunts me. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in my struggles to overcome my insecurities. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Well said. You can’t be beautiful until you accept yourself and have confidence. Being nice to people also adds to your beauty and charm – even more than lipstick!
Go Jennine! And her beautiful self! All of it!
Jennine,,what a super great post~
that exactly spinning on my head right now,,since i’m not the ideal type of a ‘pretty woman’. how hard I try to focus on my best, and everyone told that i’m unique and fun and different, sometimes I just want to heard they call me pretty and I just think that I’m nothing because of that. I’m still dealing with that problem, but I hope when I grow more older, I just can see that problem like your perspective and fell happy and embrace, just like you!
Beautiful and inspiring text!
I totally agree self-acceptance is something that grows with age (maybe because it’s then when you realize you don’t have any other option! Just kidding…) and, according to the beauty ideal, you see the world in a whole different way when you stick to real life
Tamara´s last blog ..+ Contemporary Folk by Bossini Pithod +
Nice descriptive post on the word beautiful thanks for sharing it.
Lovely post!
Well, this post really touched a core, Jennine, or two or three. It was so hard growing up with a mum and aunts who apparently epitomised the traditional concept of an Oriental beauty of the time, i.e., alabaster complexion, rosebud lips, large eyes and long flowing black hair. I was awkward, incredibly tanned with slits for eyes and short spunky hair in bright red. It didn’t help when so many tactless idiots said things like, “Your mum’s gorgeous, who do you take after?”. Big sigh.
Like you, I only started feeling a bit more comfortable in my own skin when I turned 30. Though the insecurities and eating disorders remain, and when I look in the mirror, I sometimes still do see a large, ugly beast, I am growing to like myself just that bit more every other day
Here’s to all of us.
xo Sheela xo
Eclettica´s last blog ..LA REINE MARGOT
Greatly put, Jennine. The past year or so I have started to accept myself and think I am beautiful as well. It’s the best feeling in the world to think you are beautiful- without obsessing over your appearance, but focusing more on your personality and what you can offer the world
.
PAPERFASHION´s last blog ..PANCAKES
This post is very inspiring. The importance placed on store bought beauty is ridiculous. I agree most definitely with the point about a beautiful person having a bad personality. It immediately changes my perception of them! My blog focuses on the issues of beauty as well! I love this post
Notamodel´s last blog ..HE PUT A RING ON IT
I really like this article. It is so much to the point. I mean, isn’t it often the case that the type of female beauty embraced by the media is only one type of beauty? If have been asked, whether I would rather want to be very beautiful and dumb..or immenesely intelligent and ugly. It is a very difficult question to be asked as a woman. Men can very easily compensate a lack of good looks with humour and intelligence, but for woman it has always been more difficult. Today, I’m flattered being complimented for my looks or clothes, but am even more happy when I’m successful on an academic level! I think as a teenager one’s perception is much more influenced, and I’m glad that we all grow up one day and realise we do not have to wear push-up bras anymore to have exactly the same breast size like the current type of beauty promoted.
i totally can relate to everything you talk about in this post. i went through a pretty rough few years in middle school when i was completely miserable about my appearance, but thankfully got sick of feeling so inadequate and vowed to bluff my way with confidence and sharp wit through life. now that i’m in my mid-20s, i can say that the bluffing has become a genuine self confidence and contentedness with my looks and appearance. it’s so great that there are so many amazing stylish women out there like sofia coppola and charlotte gainsbourg who offer alternative, intelligent versions of what “beauty” can be…i wish i had discovered them when i was younger!
miss sophie´s last blog ..a.p.c. new cure raw denim
I am really glad you wrote this.
Especially where I live…everyone is always shiny, thin and seems to have a perfect life.
It took me along time to be okay with myself and work with what God (and my parents
gave me. But once I did, I stopped focusing on everyone else and let me myself be happy with who I am.
It’s a wonderful feeling
XOXO
Amy
Midtown Girl´s last blog .."Single in My City" Series: In Fort Collins, CO with J-Diggety!
Thank you so much for this beautiful beautiful post (posts can strive and be beautiful too!) I appreciate so much your honesty and willingness to confront these questions of beauty that can be both painful and profound. The interesting thing about the “The Ugly Duckling” is that Hans Christian Anderson wrote it because he was taunted his whole life for not being good-looking, and he was always obsessed with his looks and obsessed with the idea that he wasn’t getting ahead in life because of his looks. The other interesting thing about the story is that if you reread it it’s more of a tale about living in a poverty stricken squalid world than some sort of confirmation that ugly ducklings will grow up and be swans–it’s more like if you are lucky enough to not to starve to death or be shot or be beaten to death, then you might wake up a swan. How strange it is to think of it as a story about beauty. Anyway, this post confirms that you are a beautiful beautiful thinker and thus a beautiful person inside and out!
xoxo,
Jenny
Jenny´s last blog ..199. Absurdly warm (but no complaints here) weather outfit of the day
it’s such a delicate tight-rope walk, trying to accept ourselves. it sometimes feels like a constant balancing act!
violetville´s last blog ..BROWN SUEDE Vtg 70s BOHO FRiNGE+BEAD WOODSTOCK SATCHEL!
i have had someone say something really similar to me (i’m referring to the douche bag’s comment) – thing is, it was one of my friends… what i have only come to realise now is that she’s the one with all the insecurities & using a very strange way of dealing with it, in a very uncharming way. i don’t think that i am quite there yet in terms of totally accepting myself and embracing my beauty (inside? tick. outside? sometimes?) but i’m working on it. i also agree that it seems to become easier as i get older. bring on the 30’s!!! i haven’t got long
which reminds me, my gran used to say, for us women, life begins at 40 – it sounds kind of cheesy but judging from her sort of exciting experiences & younger boyfriends etc. when over 40, i just HAVE to believe her!
dora´s last blog ..what to wear?
A great entry, I should be happy to forward.
Cheers,
Sarah Louise
Sarah Louise´s last blog ..Debut of my new gorgeous vintage cape!
Thank you for sharing — there are a lot of people who would benefit from reading this.
Cecilia´s last blog ..Thursday 11/12 Fashion Events: Pop-Up Mania
Thanks so much for writing this- it was an awesome, inspiring post and I’m really glad that I stumbled upon it while perusing the web today. I think most people could really benefit from reading this.