There’s something that’s been going on for a while, and I need to talk about it. In the past six months or so, I’ve been noticing a lot of interesting shifts in the blogging community. It’s certainly different now than it was two years ago, much of it is great, as it’s gained popularity, quality of photos, etc. With that popularity, I’ve noticed a certain amount of envy/comparing and even negative comments.
I’ve never compared myself to models or movie actresses, but in the blog world it’s different.. when we’re talking about ‘real people’ the lines somehow get fuzzy.
I can’t say that it hasn’t affected me… these days it’s been very difficult to post personal style pictures. I used to do it almost every day, and now (aside from the Halloween Series) it’s gone down to once a week, and I’ve even thought of cutting out the today’s attire series completely, had it not been the very backbone of the blog’s humble beginning.
On the surface, I really think it is because in effort to ‘keep up’ with all the other blogs, who are younger, prettier, thinner, richer than me I get really uncomfortable, when I compare myself to them. I think about how hard I work to be ‘half as good as they are’… I don’t want to do it, but it happens, and it’s the worst feeling.
I’ve never compared myself to models or movie actresses, but in the blog world it’s different.. when we’re talking about ‘real people’ the lines somehow get fuzzy. It’s strange because in reality there is always going to be someone younger, prettier and more stylish than you/me and everyone else. I’m not old. I’m not overweight. My closet is overflowing.
Let’s just stop here, draw the line, because the problem isn’t outside it’s within.
The good news is, if the problem is within, then it can be changed.
Envy is never a good thing. I see it all the time, both on and offline. And when I feel it, it’s like a burning poison. It taints everything around it, where there is beauty turns ugly, and where there is happiness is anger.
The truth is, everyone has their own path.. no one has things easier than another person, and we each have our own gifts to bring to the world. It is however, important to look at why these jealous feelings are surfacing, is it insecurity? is it fear of failure? What can I do to change those feelings…oh yeah, that’s right, look at all the things I have to be grateful for.
Perspective
Envy/jealousy/cattiness whatever you want to call it, often comes from this idea that somehow love is somehow limited, when in fact it’s unlimited, it’s everywhere and in everything.
Envy/jealousy/cattiness whatever you want to call it, often comes from this idea that somehow love is somehow limited, when in fact it’s unlimited, it’s everywhere and in everything.
It’s really easy to have a distorted vision of reality when everyone is young and pretty and impeccably dressed, when all you see is the happy side of things… the reality is that it doesn’t really exist. People are photoshopped, they get hangovers, they have credit card bills. Everyone has their own obstacles.
When it comes to measuring success, it’s also important to realize, that though there are people who experience success quite quickly, early successes doesn’t always equate with real success. And in this day of instant everything, the truth is that the worlds greatest successes didn’t happen over night… and they didn’t occur without setbacks and temporary failures. Real success occurs over a lifetime, it’s a journey, and if you really look at it, there are multiple ways of measuring it.
So instead of being judge, jury and executioner in my own mind, it’s important to take a step back and look at what’s really important.
Gratitude
With all the world’s problems…taking an inventory of all the wonderful things in my life is never a bad idea. My family, my friends, my loving boyfriend… the roof over my head, the time I have to dedicate to this blog, the woods outside my house, running around trying to catch falling leaves. My health, my relative intelligence… all of which are things to be grateful for, and those I just thought off the top of my head. Even when times look really tough, the good thing about gratitude, is there is always something to be grateful for.
Further reading:
Here are some things I like to read whenever I am going through periods of self-doubt.
Malcom Gladwell : Late Bloomers
How to be an Expert
Dealing with Envy/Jealousy about Beauty on Steve Pavlina
Dealing With Jealousy (Buddhism)
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I try to ingnore myself when I feel envy about looks. It can be very hard to shush that voice in my head. I subscribed long ago to the theory of never focusing on the negative. So I try to never write from the perspective, even if/when I feel it.
The thing I envy more than looks, however, is access. I love where I live most of the time and moved from a big fashion-y city (Miami) to a small non-fashion-y area (middle of North Carolina). But that doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could run down the street to a cool store or an amazing event. I’m taking the long view in that we want to move to Paris some day. I just have to get my “fix” by traveling.
– Poochie
What a brilliant post, and so true.
I do occasional personal style posts on my blog. But I’m a bit self concious, am I not stylish enough, am I too fat, will people judge me?
To know someone I look on as super stylish feels like that is a bit odd, but just goes to show how we all judge ourselves harshly.
This is such a wonderful post.
@poochie, ah, but it’s made you the goddess of internet shopping! but i know what you mean, i’ve not found the same kinds of shops here as i used to frequent in san fran. it’s tough living in a non-fashion area.
@retro…ah but you’re perfect, and i love the diy-t you did, i guess i should have commented. i guess no one is immune to the critic inside, which is important to gently let it go.
@punky. thanks.
Fantastic post! I rarely post images of myself and I know deep inside it’s because of my own self doubts. I think I look good, but I just feel awkward about putting myself out there in such a “look at me” way, even thought we do it every time we walk out of the house.
I think you are gorgeous and confident and I love your images. I can relate to you. You’re not some Parisian waif model type, and that’s a good thing in my book. Plus you’re my age, so it gives me age appropriate style cues.
Keep doing what you’re doing doll! We love you for it. Otherwise we would’ve dropped you like a dead blog. Ha!
Thank you so much for this post! Whether you are a style blogger or not, this is an important message for all of us. Comparison, jealousy and insecurity are unfortunate components of being human and rear their ugly heads with all kinds of topics – careers, style, body image, worldly possessions, friends, age, intellect. Your post is so important to remind us that we can CHOOSE how we respond, and there IS love everywhere. We don’t have to listen to the negative voices in our heads and we can certainly choose not to act them out and spread negativity to others. Thanks!
i must comfort you!!… as nobody makes me smile and making my day as much as you do with your daily posts. your styling is sensational and i am glued to the stories you write about you , whats around and your thoughts.
Negative comments should motivate you and not making you uncomfortable.
And as i can see in this post you def beaten yourself in a great discussion and are incredible motivated and “REAL”
haha sandra… nicely said. it’s true there are only a handful of personal style bloggers in our age group, maybe the ‘look at me’ thing was too imbeded as a bad thing for people in our age group.
@mfk… yes it’s all a choice, thanks for pointing out that it’s just not personal style bloggers, but for everyone…
@raoul… you are too kind. thank you… and yeah negative feedback isn’t always a bad thing.
REFRESHING & THANK YOU
i stopped blogging a month or two ago — at least stopped writing everyday or several times a day — because i had the lurking suspicion that i was blogging to prove that i existed . .
. . melodramatic but true, really . . or to validate my existence & obsessions . . to get that gratification/acknowledgment . . but then, again, my/your ability to touch others with our insight IS a gift . . . it is a crazy world that we live in, jennine, that we can reach out and touch the world in a heartbeat & get that buzz & it is a brave soul that chooses to do so with integrity & accountability
thank you for you this morning sweetheart
xox the love artist
I love your outfit pictures — don’t give them up! There’s nothing for you to be intimidated about.
What a great, well-thought article. This really hits home. I’ve noticed too how bloggers as they become more successful seem to become too wrapped up in their own ego and all the positive comments and begin to think themselves as the be-all-end-all authority on style. It’s hard as a blogger to not feel competitive with others, or to feel insecure about others more stylish seemingly than yourself. Maybe we see such petty feelings b/c a lot of us are in real life insecure about ourselves and look to the web to give us validation.
Hi, I’ve been lurking on your blog for awhile now via wardrobe_remix
I agree, this seems to be a new and highly disturbing trend that perhaps not everyone with a web presence is conscious of, where one begins to imagine the eyes of an “audience” are upon you in your daily life, how you look, how your house looks, etc., almost arranging daily life around blogging/picture-taking. I took a break from w_r for several months because the self-comparison and posing was getting inside of my head. I tried to state my feelings about it inadequately and without any wonderfully helpful hints as you’ve offered here. I’m happy to say I’ve moved beyond my doubts (for now, at least), and can handle a web presence and still feel like myself. It’s totally healthy to take a step back and reclaim your own reality!
bravo, Jennine. So well written and important.
beautiful post that brightened up my day in a dreary london office and reminded me of how many good things I have in my life. I don’t have my own blog but used to work as a journalist in denmark. the fashion week + similar events would often put me in a bad mood (nobody talking to each other plus everybody else looking polished, cool and perfect w. the latest designer bags etc.) ironically enough, if you try to smile a bit, give a little bit of yourself and talk to people you find out that everybody else feels just as insecure inside….it just takes a lot of courage to do that. you are a great inspiration. x
Such a great article Jennine! You are not an OAP yet and your style is wonderful, I love seeing your outfits!
Honestly, I find myself boring of outfit photos all the time. And I’m supposedly in the “look-at-me” age group. I like blogs that mix things up (like your blog) and give other interesting content alongside outfits.
With regards to my own outfit photos, I post so infrequently because I have to be in the right frame of mind to take a photo. I guess the intimidation & validation thing does come into it on some level. But for me, it’s really more to do with how I feel in said outfit. So if I feel fabulous/stylish, I’ll be more inclined to take a photo.
Two thumbs up! I’ve always loved how your personality shines through your writing – it’s the window into the whole person that makes your blog stand out among the rest of the fashion field.
i think we all have those moments where we are our own worst enemies.
as far as my style photos, i know my style is never going to gain legions of fans, because i dont dress what’s typical for my ages, and i dont follow every trend or copy everything that alexander wang does.
i guess doing my own thing comes from my childhood, i couldnt go out & copy what the other kids. and i didnt have blonde hair & blue eyes & white skin like the other kids. so i learned from an early age that i was very different.
Great post and so true! It is often these kinds of thoughts that have stopped me from posting personal style photos. I worry that I will not be deemed “stylish” enough for the blogging community. YOU and YOUR blog are fantastic, your style is quirky and sweet just like you, please don’t stop. And you’ve inspired me to be more confident in my style and post more pictures!
This was one of the best posts I’ve read on any fashion blog in a long while. I really enjoy your blog in particular because, to me, you’re much more real and genuine than a lot of the others out there . Your content is so much more engaging than those who just post outfit pictures all the time. Your posts are consistently worthwhile, and that’s hard to do.
Frankly I get tired of looking at the same person in the same poses day in and day out, without any sort of substance. You on the other hand deliver substance, depth, and style on a regular basis. Bravo!
@the love artist… oh i absolutely blogged to fill a void, because before that i was going to the gym and shopping and going to gym and shopping. but i love your point about being a good blogger you have to be able to reach out… which is a real gift. but i hope you come back to blogging!
@wendy…thanks love, you always know just what to say.
@artdiva… yeah, it gets quite crazy when you start taking audience into mind. i think what i need to return to is what got me through my first days of blogging, when i went for months without a single comment… or had any more that a few visitors (which were my friends) i would have to be very deliberate about doing this for myself instead of doing this for other people, i felt it was a much freer time.
@mette… thanks so much for that story… it’s so true that once you let your guard down a little, you give people a way to come in.
@leah.. ah! i had to look up OAP.. hehe… but yeah, being in the right frame of mind is a big hurdle with it comes to what are you wearing posts…
@sarah.. thank you..
@pret… i love your long and flowy pictures, you always look like an art deco painting… i personally wouldn’t trade that for the world
@fajr… well i hope that you would reconsider… part of the reason i was even able to do it in the first place was because of all the other real women doing it, its the diversity that gives blogging it’s appeal. somethign i really hope isnt’ lost when/if blogging becomes mainstream.
@m… thank you for the lovely comment… it’s a lot of work to come up with constant content, luckily there is kezia and sonja, they have lots of great ideas for posts.
On one hand, the blogging community is great, very supportive – I think IFB is the key example of this. But on the other, there’s always that little voice in your head that says ‘their blog is better than yours, their photos are better – I can’t ‘compete’. And that’s the problem – us bloggers think of our sites as our babies and we want it to be up there with the best.
What I try to do is turn on the voice and take inspiration from these sites that I consider better than mine. In the end, I guess you have to blog for yourself and if it becomes a success – great, but if it doesn’t … there are worse things in the world aren’t there.
But I would like to say that I consider your blog to be one of the best out there. I ADORE your outfit posts – to be honest I think every fashion related blog should have them because it allows the reader to get to know you a little more. I add filters to my photos but I don’t even take off spots because that’s what makes me real. I don’t want to be a photoshopped projection of who I really am. I want to look like me. You look stunning in your photos, you should never listen to these people – they simply have nothing better to do. Putting others down gives them a boost and giving into these people simply isn’t worth it.
I’ve changed my name from TextStyle to Positively Melancholy and I have a brand new site – if you could check it out and perhaps change my link that would be amazing! http://www.positivelymelancholy.com
Love xx
I completely agree. It seems like now, to be “successful” in the fashion blog-o-sphere, one must have three things: a skinny-ass (boobless) body, lots of money to throw around, and a DSLR camera. Not happening over here.
I really like what you said about short term success not being equal to long term success. It makes me personally feel a lot better. I know that right now I can’t have what most other people have (you have an overflowing closet, I have a diminishing one), but there is a deep satisfaction in me that all the hard work I’m putting in now at the current stage in my life will pay off in the long run. Sure, I can’t buy a new pair of shoes every week, but in the end, do I really need to? To feel complete? To satisfy some materialistic urge within me? No. I don’t. I’m not at that stage in my life yet where I can buy whatever I want without feeling financially insecure.
What I wear is basically the same everyday. One would think that this would cause me to not want to take outfit photos (nearly) every day; and before, I wouldn’t unless I had something new to share, but where’s the fun in that? I don’t care if I wear the same thing because that just gives me more wiggle room to take more creative photos and wring the details out of the devil.
To me, separating one’s self from the rest of the crowd does not equate wearing expensive clothes. It’s about intellect, drive, and the ability to express it through understandable means. As I like to think: Prose is worth more than pictures.
Thanks for expressing this in a proper English. The stuff that tumbles out of my mouth is usually gibberish.
P.S. I’ve linked your blog, so I would love it if you linked mine (totally optional)~
Jennine, you look just fabulous in your photos. Don’t ever stop posting your lovely looks!
What a lovely post, and it’s interesting to think that somebody as enviable as you feel envy too! I suppose it is the most human of emotions, and it’s hard to believe people when they tell you you needn’t be jealous BUT IT’S TRUE! Your daily attire posts are some of the best (speaking as a blogger who doesn’t really do proper outfit posts) so please don’t stop! xx
it is only a vacation from the blog jennine, to work on other writing but thanks again for your love & support xoxxox
You’re site is gorgeous, don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise (including yourself). Your blog is the only one I actually enjoy reading and looking at ^_^ so please, don’t let the Noobs get under your skin, they’re not worth the effort.
Jennine,
I stop by your blog from time to time because I love your writing and plus you have a wonderful etsy shop (that’s how I originally found you).
I think many people would be envious of YOU, your blog, nice clothes, etc. Look in the mirror girl – you look great!!
Was thinking alot about your post. I would have ot say I agree that we all have something to offer for sure. I don’t worry about compairing myself to others or would just feel down all the time. I am sad you will be limiting your daily attire more and more, that is my absolute fav part of your blog. You put together such cool outfits and are always an inspiration to me. Way more so than any 15 year old.
I love this post, its very true. Sometimes we all need to take a step back from the blog world and invest the same energy in reality! Thanks for the wake-up call.x.
J: I’m so surprised to read this because your photo posts are some of those I look forward to the most. I understand that the point of your post is that we are all vital and beautiful in our own ways… Please be assured that your photos are so textural and artistic. You bring a layer of experiential sexiness to the blogosphere and I think you’re gorgeous. (Not trying to sound weird!
Kxo)
JJJJJ! well you already know but ill say it one more time. you’ve inspired me tremendously A-because you were local [though, I never really met you
in the city] and B- because you’re a great blogger. not only you are sincere, but you are one of the most real blogs I read. Other ways of sel-loathing ish blogs, I mean I get tired and bored quickly.
Your perspective and the bit that we get to see &read of your personality thru this medium, keeps me coming back daily since your early posts. envy is lame.
viva las pretties
besos♥ de san francisco
I think I must have read this two or three times! As the old saying goes we are all our own worst critic. Its an everyday struggle with our appearances and its even harder when we are constantly bombarded with beautiful images.
We do have to remember that we are all humans who like you said …experience hang overs, and bad hair days .. We just have to have a perspective and find beauty within. I could go on forever but I just wanted to say thank you for you post.
thank you – the late bloomer article was really good!
Never compare yourself with others. Zen principle and really difficult to follow, but is the only way to stay true to yourself.
I try to remember it everyday. xxx
Last night this got me all fired up (and not in a Pat Benatar way) and then when I come to comment you crashed my computer. So I’m back (and not as hot head) to say brilliant post.
It’s necessary to put things into perspective and although I don’t post style pictures I still feel pressure of envy -so thanks (again)
shite…I hit publish…that should read ’still feel THE pressure’ and I hope we’ll be seeing the return of your style pics sometime soon.
@stephanie… ah thank you.. you know for the most part, i do take TONS of inspiration from lots of blogs… it’s probably the driving force for my own improvement. I love seeing great blogs. Oh, I’ve updated your link and RSS.
thanks for letting me know!
but i do hope to see more personal style pics from you too.. they’re always so dymamic when you post them.
@leslie fashion isn’t the same thing as style, and i’ve learned the hard way that new shoes don’t fill any holes in my soul. but yeah, success… it’s subjective, at least that’s what i keep telling myself!
@sonja, thanks love!
@pretty face… it always amazes me when people talk about their real feelings, so i guess others should be surprised too. thanks for your support.
@molly… aw thanks love.
@the queen… hahah i get most my clothes at the flea market!
@eyeliah.. yeah..it’s just really hard to do not just because i don’t have money to shop, but because i work from home now, and my home clothes are quite… unmatched. we’ll see, if i get to a place where i can leave the house more often.
@luxe… mmmm reality.
@kline… you are always so nice… thanks.
@meli.. envy is lame. when i come to sf again, let’s be sure to meet in person!
@alixrose… the good thing about being your own worst critic is that you can give yourself a break every now and then, thanks for reminding me.
@wolf… malcom gladwell has become my hero over this article.
@mer..oh zen. it is difficult, but yeah, staying true is the only way.
@imelda oh no! i was hoping for the pat benetar way.
This is a lovely and insightful post. I have noticed a lot of long-time bloggers lately addressing this issue. It is so sad that the problem of negative comments/meanness/envy even has to be a problem. It does make it scary to even put yourself out there, particularly if you are just a “normal” person and not a model or a 19 year-old girl with a perfect face. But, like you said, there will always be someone prettier, younger, and better-dressed. We just have to remain confident in what we have to offer that is unique, insightful, helpful, fun, and beautiful!
So true, and very well put. I used to post pretty regularly to wardrobe_remix, back before Stylemob and Lookbook and all these other sites and personal style blogs started proliferating so rapidly. When I started cross-posting pictures to Stylemob, I think that’s where I first noticed the high-school cattiness.
I’ve started to notice my personal style shifting, and sometimes I want to start documenting some of my outfits again, but I think when I do they might just stay in my own Flickr pool for myself and friends. I think it’s another reason I don’t keep up with as many style sites and blogs as I used to. I don’t really care much what other people think about what I wear/what I like, but that doesn’t mean that I want to read a bunch of negativity either. I respect other blogs like yours where things stay positive and respectful, because there are so many ways of expressing ourselves and not one of them should be wrong.
Wow, thank you so much for the link to that Malcom Gladwell article. I am sending it to everyone I know, it’s so brilliant. I think this one might even get printed out! Lovely blog as always
~marion
Don’t stop posting your fabulous pictures of your fabulous outfits— I look forward to seeing them.
When I was growing up, and where I was growing up (mostly the Middle East), drawing attention to oneself was held in a negative light. Being able to put yourself out there, digitally or not, demands a certain amount of courage. I think it’s only natural and human to look at other blogs and bloggers and feel some envy; think of all the girls feeling that same jealousy when they look at you! A lot of what I am seeing in these younger girls looks the same. Few are doing something truly unique, like you are. You have your own style; something I think everyone secretly or not aspires to have.
The meanness is another story. That’s something I don’t get. I suppose it’s akin to speaking about someone behind their backs— you can say the worst things about people when they aren’t looking you in the eye. A girl posted on one of my pictures that part of my outfit was “horrible”— something I couldn’t think of writing to someone else no matter how much I didn’t like their outfit. But meh. I like what I was wearing.
So fuggedaboutit.
You are an individual, you are beautiful and there is substance to your blog. You’ve got good reading material! And you’ve introduced me to some music and artists. A lot of stuff out there is empty and offers nothing.
So to everyone feeling daunted by the cattiness/brattiness, let’s be fearless and relish in our own style. Fashion is one thing, Style is another.
Thank you!
I’ve just read that post and found it encouraging. I’m going through a period of change and of course self doubt is involved. It’s difficult to block it out once you’ve decided to walk down that path to self improvement and self fullfillment. That niggle voice starts, quietly at first, then once it has your attention it’s screaming listing your failures to date, all the stupid things you’ve ever said and done. So for today because I’ve read your words I’m going to try and feel grateful. Because it’s true we all do have so much to be grateful for. Xxxxxx
isn’t it funny how we all do this to ourselves? but somehow every time it’s acknowledged by another, we act surprised.
any female who expresses herself through the way she looks (as so many of us do) is naturally going to be very defensive of any negative comments regarding her image. that’s our art. we are our own canvases. every day.
i live in a rural area of PA but work in a very fashion-conscious area/field, and i am forever comparing myself to those i see even walking by me in an urban setting. it’s brutal, dude.
so i can sympathize…i’m forever telling myself that if i only had enough money, enough time, blah blah…. there’s always something missing.
this doesn’t have to be the way. we need to let our guards down a little and band together with fellow fashionistas. support systems help…as i’ve discovered through the introduction of my newest best friend… a girl i used to envy the fuck out of- come to find out she felt the same way about me. and now that our guards are down, we each offer each other the support and inspiration we were looking for in the first place. we’ve come to realize it’s okay to be two highly stylish females, each trying to do something fashionably different, even if sometimes our tastes are so similar.
so to you, i say, keep posting your dailies. do them as often as you please. i featured your blog in mine as my new obsession and i visit your site often when i’m stuck in a rut and need fashion inspiration. you’re doing a good thing here. don’t let the cattiness of others get you down. there are always going to be those who will “hate” and those who will appreciate. try to focus on the latter- they’re the real feedback.
a wise friend once said to me…”compare and despair.” you’re lovely and inspiring, sweetie. xo
Aww, I love this post . . . this is the sort of thing that lots of bloggers and blog readers think about but never talk about . . . I’ve felt the same way definitely. But when I come to think about it the blogs I like best aren’t written by the skinny/pretty/rich girls with the “perfect” lives–it all seems so easy and far from my own life that it’s hard to get inspired by them. And they all seem so similar after a while. There’s not a lot they can say on their blogs that’s new or interesting to me.
I really love the blogs written by girls who have to really be creative to come up with outfits made up of thrift store finds, the girls who aren’t rich and have normal lives.
I’m so glad you didn’t stop posting your outfit photos! I really love them. Plus every time I see them I feel tempted to steal your haircut.
Oh, and thanks so much for putting my ’60s dress on your site!
It’s the strangest feeling, being the recepient of such negative comments. I refused to believe that female envy existed for years and years, mostly because I want to believe in humanity but the older I get, the less I believe. it happens at all ages, all walks of life, between strangers or with someone you thought was a good friend. Just be yourself and love who you are and no one will ever be able to touch you. I refuse to listen and have become at peace with who I am…something that no outsider can ever touch upon. It’s a glorious feeling, indeed. Toodles, my dear, and put a smile on that face.
Thank you for such a wonderful post. It’s so easy to get caught up on areas where I feel I’m lacking and compare myself to other people unfavourably; sometimes I just have to stop myself and remind myself of how many good things I have going for me.
Sooo true! As my blog has grown this past year, I’ve gotten some snarky remarks– not only from the blogosphere, but from people in my daily life. Once or twice, the remarks really got me down and like charm said, it is the strangest feeling. But, it happens. I do my best to just set the comments that sting aside. I try to look at snarkiness (both online and off) as an opportunity to learn how to be more gracious at handling myself and how to read between the lines. Before I react, I remind myself that the person dishing the snarkiness out is every bit as real as me…maybe they were having a bad day, maybe they just don’t like me, or maybe they are just trying to point out something I can do differently.
I think being true to yourself, staying positive and not getting attached to a fixed outcome or expectation is good advice. I liked your post today, because it shows you have a human side, and showing your human side to others takes courage!
Well you know how I feel about this subject and after many supportive words on my blog…. I can only say that we just keep on doing what we do because we love blogging…. I can relate to what you’re saying entirely because I think we’re come from a similar blogging place…. but honestly, you are fantastic and you shouldn’t doubt that!